Me: What would Nottinghamshire Police do if the assault had occurred at one of the grounds in your juristriction?
Chief Constable Steve Green: Police officers in Nottinghamshire would be given light blue ribbons to show solidarity with the victims in this case, to prevent any further violence.
Me: But it is Manchester City who play in light blue, Pedro Mendes's team play in a darker shade.
Chief Constable Steve Green: Many people feel fully supportive of the Mancunian communities but have no way of showing it and this is a way of allowing them to do that. The backlash of violence is something that will not be tolerated in Nottingham.
North Wales Police.
Me: What would North Wales Police do if the assault had occurred at one of the grounds in your juristriction?
Chief Constable Richard Brunstrom: Well it is an incident we will pursue vigorously and there must be a prosecution.
Me: So what would Ben Thatcher be charged with?
Chief Constable Richard Brunstrom: Nothing, Mr Thatcher is a Welsh international and Mr Mendes's possible Taffophobia is the root cause of the problem.
Me: But you have no evidence of anti-Welsh sentiment.
Chief Constable Richard Brunstrom: Never stopped us before. It is also important to remember that Mr Mendes's ambulance was racing through the streets of Manchester at speeds of up to 22 mph, the man is a menace.
Me: What would the PSNI do if the assault had occurred at one of the grounds in your juristriction?London.
Chief Constable Hugh Orde: What assault, there is no conclusive evidence that Ben Thatcher committed any assault, whilst there maybe isolated incidents there is no reason to believe that he is in any way something other than an honest man whom we would be delighted to see in our police force.
Me: What would the Met do if the assault had occurred at one of the grounds in your juristriction?
Cressida Dick: Naturally our first action would be to go in with a Swat team and shoot Sylvain Distin, the Manchester City defender ,in the head 6 times.
Me: That's insane! Why would you shoot a completely innocent bystander?
Cressida Dick: His behaviour was suspicious and he was wearing bulky clothing.that could conceal a bomb belt.
Me: Does Ian Blair agree with this policy?
Ian Blair: It's a damning indictment of media racism that the press gloss over this assault on a black gay man whilst focusing tediously on silly season fluff like the Soham murders.
Me: Neither of the footballers involved were black or gay.
Ian Blair: Oh right. There is actually very little chance of being attacked on a football field, it is the fear of being attacked that creates the problem. People hark back to a golden age where no one ever got hurt by a flying elbow, but this simply isn't the case I'm afraid.