Horrific Massacre Claims Twelve Lives

A small community was in shock today as a massacre left observers in shock. As the scale of the tragedy unfolded the tight knit community was demanding answers.

In the House of Commons the House united as the Prime Minister promised that any knee jerk proposal by the opposition would be implemented in full without any examination or thought. Harriet Harman, representing the Opposition concurred and suggested a ban on red meat.

The killings began as a horde of criminologists trying to enter the ITN studios to offer punditry on the Cumbria shootings panicked and stampeded. All the victims were trampled to death. Many of Britain's best loved TV ghouls including Paul Wilson, author of "Inside the mind of Killers" and Reg West, author of "Killers: Murder On Their Minds" were among the dead.

One expert who narrowly survived the massacre due to being called by the Daily Mail at the last minute to pen 800 words on the Cumbrian killing spree for tomorrow, Carl Bowden, said:

"This is in many ways a tragedy for everyone but we mustn't forget that I am now available to fulfil any media appearances that the deceased might have been due to complete. Any speculation at this stage is pointless but that won't stop me- we have to consider whether this stampede reflected the decades of sexual abuse that the victims may have suffered and perhaps they were frightened being in a situation....... oh God is this really being reported, I think I've just ejaculated"

As an act of sensitivity the BBC has cancelled a planned episode of Teletubbies where Po & Tinky Winky fall over each other, so as not to offend the relatives of the deceased.

Experts were divided on the cause of the tragedy although psychologist Paul Britton was adamant that the role of Colin Stagg should be considered.

It is a particular tragedy for Reg West who had been thrilled by the Cumbrian massacre after failing to attract any media interest in his idle speculation about the alleged "Crossbow Killer" last week. The interview he did earlier in the day on talkSPORT had been considered one of the most incisive takes on the Cumbrian massacre:

Presenter: So what does the suspect's suicide mean?

Reg West: The important thing is that it establishes as sense of control.

Presenter: For the killer?

Reg West: No for the criminology community, now we can indulge in idle speculation for 6 months without risking contempt of court, it should lead to writing gigs in the Guardian, Express and Sun and possibly a number of slots as a talking head on Sky News...... oh God I think I've just come.

The spouses of the deceased were to be informed until it was discovered that they were actually all single men who lived with their mothers.