Sunday, April 22, 2007

Alan Hart Guest Blog: I'm Going To Sue Everybody.

In light of the actions of a shadowy cabal of zionists to discredit me for daring to criticise Israel, (because it is very rare for Israel to be criticised by the press usually) for kidnapping Alan Johnston, blowing up the WTC, shooting Bambi's mother, making derogatory remarks about me whilst standing to my left at the urinal and writing the script for Basic Instinct 2: I feel I must resort to legal action. So I rang up my old friend the libel lawyer George Carmen, after explaining my situation to him I was informed that he had in fact died several years ago, possibly murdered by Israel. Anyway I'm still going to sue anyone who suggests that there is anything anti semitic about propagating theories as to how zionists are responsible for terrible events even when there is no evidence to say so, and that they do this through shadowy conspiracies that also control the press.

Anyway here is my 'to sue' list, complete with the amounts I want from them.
  • Dumbjon, £150000, for 'Cui Bonehead'.
  • Tim Worstall, £50 for claiming that I, a former Panorama journalist, am deranged. Also £3000000 for claiming that I use hairspray.
  • Mr Dangerouslysubversivead, £400000, for refusing to give me his address so I can sue him.
  • Fresno Zionism, £300000, for suggesting that I hate Israel just because I accuse them of murdering journalists and blaming it on the Palestinians. It would have been more had they not complimented me on my rather fetching comb over.
  • Blognor Regis, £450000, for highlighting a malicious smear against myself in a hitherto obscure publication 'Wikipedia'.

Update: DSD has blown his chance to be sued, that'll teach him.

7 comments:

Blognor Regis said...

He'll get no joy from me. My assets are minimal and Uncles Hyman and Shlomo have made sure what I do have is out of his gentile reach already.

Mr Eugenides said...

I'm feeling left out...

poons said...

I'm with Mr E.

What would it take to provoke a £50,000 suit, hell it's cheaper than bankruptcy.

Alan Hart aka Rump Hole of the Bailey said...

I assure you my suits are worth far more than £50000, as you can probably tell by hair, my personal presentation is exquisite.

jamal said...

Great news. Sue them all. Get every last pound.

james higham said...

Why am I always being left out?!! I want to be sued! I want to be sued!

Ross F said...

I'm sorry but Alan will only being suing those who appeared on the front page of a google blogsearch for "Alan Hart" initially. Don't worry though, once he's sued that lot he will have plenty of cash to pursue additional targets.