Wednesday, December 02, 2009

My Affair With Tiger

Like everyone else I know feel it is time to reveal the sordid details and seeing as the National Enquirer aren't offering me enough money I'll shall share the truth, including the sordid emails, here. He was someone who seemed to have it all, in a long career he had been at the top of his profession for years and was well loved. But behind the image of perfection there was a dark secret.

It started when we met in a hotel bar, he pawed me as I passed him. We got talking and it was clear he was on the prowl. One thing led to another and soon we went to his cage and spent the night together. In the morning he was gone without so much as a note. I felt used. He had given me his email address the night before so we began the following exchange:

From: Ross [] (save address)
Subject: Are we okay?

Tony, why did you just leave, I thought we were good together. Were you using me? Did I upset you?

To: Ross []
Subject: RE: Are we okay?

No Ross, you were Grrrrrrrrrrrrreat. I just had to et up early to film an advert.

From: Ross [] (save address)
Subject: Good, lets get it on again Tiger.

I'm glad to hear it, I was so worried lol. Who are you shooting the advert for?

To: Ross []
Subject: Take a hint and fuck off.

Stop emailing me, you bunny boiler.

And who the fuck do you think the advert is for you brainless fuckwit? Every fucking advert I do is for Kelloggs Frosties. Every. Single. One. I can't even get the fucking Esso ads any more. Just Frosties, Frosties AND MORE FUCKING FROSTIES! My teeth are rotten from their sugary shit. Even David Fucking Attenborough won't feature me in his documentaries- I'm typecast and "not scary enough". I'm a fucking toothless tiger and my only slight relief from my miserable life is casual sex with loose knickered skanks like you. IHATE MY LIFE, I HATE MY WIFE, I HATE FROSTIES & above all I REALLY FUCKING HATE YOU!!!!!!!

I was distraught and realised he had taken advantage of me. My illusions were shattered once and for all when I found a box of Coco Pops and realised he was in fact a cereal adulterer.


JuliaM said...

Grrrrrreat punchline! :)

Ross said...

Thank you.

James Higham said...

Gosh - you're privileged.