First of all thank you to Ross for lending me his blog for the purposes of conducting a campaign against the health hazards facing society.
The solitary vice is a deeply ingrained part of our society; each year, the average output per adult male is equivalent to 12 jars of Tartare Sauce.
Success on another big public health killer – tobacco – continues to require multifactorial action, but a key element has been raising awareness about the impact of passive smoking has been factually dubious health campaigns.
There is no similar awareness or concern about ‘passive wanking’ – the consequences of one person’s wanking on another’s well-being. It is not recognised as a concept or a rationale for action. Mostly because I just made it up.
There is no stated national consensus that as a country we should substantially reduce overall masturbation, but such a reduction would benefit the health of many who wank – and those affected by passive wanking- the concept I invented a few sentences ago and am now treating as a genuine problem.
In 2006, 180,000 people died from pornographic-related causes. Wanking has a major impact on individual wanker's health: it causes cancers of the liver, bowel, breast, throat, mouth, larynx and oesophagus; it causes blindness, hairy palms, a pale pallor and insanity. Here is an image of a testicle wasted by excessive onanism:
Some point to the potential benefits of self-pleasuring, but these tend to be greatly overstated.
Despite its known harms, one-quarter of the adult population – about 10 million people – now wank above the recommended low-risk levels. I made this figure up but as the Chief Medical Officer I can cite myself because I am in a position of authority.
Here is a graph to illustrate how many people are killed by masturbation. It actually represents something completely different, possibly cat food sales, but I'm guessing that most of you are actually too stupid to actually look at the graph in any detail:
The effects of passive wanking continue into adulthood. Living with somebody who misuses porn can be a horrendous ordeal. Wanking can make a partner’s behaviour unpredictable, withdrawn and surly. Marriages in which one or both partners get themselves off are twice as likely to end in divorce.
Making Masturbation More Expensive
Research has estimated that if a minimum price of £1 per hour of pornography, 50p per sheet of Kleenex and £2.20 per unit of pornographic magazine were imposed then masturbation could be cut by as much as 26%. This would save up to £4 billion a year and 5600 deaths.
It would also save many lives to make these devices compulsory for all males between 11 and 30, to be worn at all times.
Establishing minimum pricing requires government action. Websites are particularly liable to sell porn at low prices. Currently, no single website would increase its prices and risk losing customers to competitors. The free market has failed, the workers need to control the means of production, and distribution of porn. It is not unreasonable to ask that the government over throws the shackles of capitalism that are tying the proletariat down.
A minimum price per unit would overcome this problem caused by the dominant capitalist patriarchal hegemonic discourse that currently sets the paradigm by which running dogs of the neo-colonial oppressors enforce their cultural norms on the masses.
Counter revolutionary forces may argue that the effects of my proposals restrict freedom and are an overreaction to a nonexistant problem. These reactionary bleatings impress no one, freedom is a technology of control imposed by the ruling class on society.
This may seem controversial but I'm the Chief Medical Officer so it is science and not some third rate student leftism.
The Goshawk (1968)
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