Thursday, March 19, 2009

Guest Post- Sir Liam Donaldson On Passive Masturbation.

First of all thank you to Ross for lending me his blog for the purposes of conducting a campaign against the health hazards facing society.


The solitary vice is a deeply ingrained part of our society; each year, the average output per adult male is equivalent to 12 jars of Tartare Sauce.

Success on another big public health killer – tobacco – continues to require multifactorial action, but a key element has been raising awareness about the impact of passive smoking has been factually dubious health campaigns.

There is no similar awareness or concern about ‘passive wanking’ – the consequences of one person’s wanking on another’s well-being. It is not recognised as a concept or a rationale for action. Mostly because I just made it up.


There is no stated national consensus that as a country we should substantially reduce overall masturbation, but such a reduction would benefit the health of many who wank – and those affected by passive wanking- the concept I invented a few sentences ago and am now treating as a genuine problem.

In 2006, 180,000 people died from pornographic-related causes. Wanking has a major impact on individual wanker's health: it causes cancers of the liver, bowel, breast, throat, mouth, larynx and oesophagus; it causes blindness, hairy palms, a pale pallor and insanity. Here is an image of a testicle wasted by excessive onanism:

Some point to the potential benefits of self-pleasuring, but these tend to be greatly overstated.
Despite its known harms, one-quarter of the adult population – about 10 million people – now wank above the recommended low-risk levels. I made this figure up but as the Chief Medical Officer I can cite myself because I am in a position of authority.

Here is a graph to illustrate how many people are killed by masturbation. It actually represents something completely different, possibly cat food sales, but I'm guessing that most of you are actually too stupid to actually look at the graph in any detail:

The effects of passive wanking continue into adulthood. Living with somebody who misuses porn can be a horrendous ordeal. Wanking can make a partner’s behaviour unpredictable, withdrawn and surly. Marriages in which one or both partners get themselves off are twice as likely to end in divorce.

Making Masturbation More Expensive

Research has estimated that if a minimum price of £1 per hour of pornography, 50p per sheet of Kleenex and £2.20 per unit of pornographic magazine were imposed then masturbation could be cut by as much as 26%. This would save up to £4 billion a year and 5600 deaths.

It would also save many lives to make these devices compulsory for all males between 11 and 30, to be worn at all times.

Establishing minimum pricing requires government action. Websites are particularly liable to sell porn at low prices. Currently, no single website would increase its prices and risk losing customers to competitors. The free market has failed, the workers need to control the means of production, and distribution of porn. It is not unreasonable to ask that the government over throws the shackles of capitalism that are tying the proletariat down.

A minimum price per unit would overcome this problem caused by the dominant capitalist patriarchal hegemonic discourse that currently sets the paradigm by which running dogs of the neo-colonial oppressors enforce their cultural norms on the masses.

Counter revolutionary forces may argue that the effects of my proposals restrict freedom and are an overreaction to a nonexistant problem. These reactionary bleatings impress no one, freedom is a technology of control imposed by the ruling class on society.

This may seem controversial but I'm the Chief Medical Officer so it is science and not some third rate student leftism.


Mark Wadsworth said...

I can tell it isn't authentic because you forgot to mention "The burden on the NHS".

Ross said...


Anonymous said...

Your onanism picture doesn't display right. Gutenburg object!

Ross said...

It works okay in Firefox, but I'll try and edit the image so it appears on other browsers.

JuliaM said...

"...each year, the average output per adult male is equivalent to 12 jars of Tartare Sauce."

*puts cod steaks back into the fridge*

Think I'll have a sandwich instead...

Anonymous said...

It's fine now.

I'm on Chrome now but I'm sure last night I was using Firefox.

The picture was the same dimensions but contained some text from the Gutenburg library suggesting you link differently. I can't recall the exact text (and it was distorted) but it directed you to some web page which told you the preferred way to link.

North Northwester said...

Hello Ross.
Once again I find myself slumped over my PC and sitting at respectful attention, awe-struck at the mere sight of your magnificent column.

Actually, you're missing the way a serious attempt to regulate pornography might go.

'For too long in this country the solitary vice has divided and harmed people along class lines. It's the same story over and over again: the poor get poorer and the rich get harder.

We can no longer allow the dictates of greed and selfishness that are inherent parts of the capitalist economy to impose themselves on the helpless poor self-abusers of Britain.

We have a two-tier onanism industry where the rich draw creamy fanfares from their meat trombones while poring over high quality, safe and colourful pictures of beautiful and healthy young women/boys/livestock, whilst the wanking class have to make do with germy, unsafe and franky repulsive pitures of their own toothless Incapacity Benefit grandmothers and Blair's Babes.

None of this addresses the desperate plight of many of Britain's unemployed women. We need to let them take the means of production into their own strong hands and create a country in which manual relief is provided according to need; not greed.

From each according to her ability to each according to his seed.

I've seen the future, and it wanks.

Come the Revolution, this is how it shall be..'

Alan Douglas said...

Well, if "passive masturbation" does not completely sum up the present government's agenda, then nothing does.

I will have to include a large section on this in my forthcoming tome "The Wanker's Handbook, a masturbator's manual".

Alan Douglas

Anonymous said...

NNW- That sounds like how Broon would sell the regulation. The first couple of paragraphs anyway.

AD- Pretty much, although they have made sure to fuck us all.

Anonymous said...

I've been jacking myself into a torpid stupor from the age of 8 (er I think) with errrrrrr no problems, but laying bricks does help keep the hairy hand problem at bay. I heartily recommend, and Mr Stiffy

Ross said...

"I heartily recommend, and Mr Stiffy"

Oh I'll put them on my blogroll rightaway!

Clenbuterol said...

The statistics shocks!