Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Your Swine Flu Questions Answered.

Are we all going to die a horrible fluey death?

No, in the UK we have enough retro viral treatments to save 50% of the population, other countries have lower amounts, so in all likelihood 10-15% of the world's population will survive into a post apocalyptic future a year from now, sort of like Mad Max or 28 Days Later.

I have never been to Mexico but I do like Mexican food such as the Burritos I had for dinner last night, will this kill me?

No, most Mexican food consists of ingredients from one's own country and would be better described as Mexican style food. However if you had Salsa sauce with the burritos then all bets are off.

Can I immunise myself from Swine Flu by injecting myself with bacon extract?

It has to be worth a try.

How safe are pig products at this time?

I don't wish to come across all hammy but if you want to save your bacon then I'd advise going the whole hog and not touch them. The government won't ban them because there are too many pork barrelling special interests to get this pig out of a poke.

Mexico is right next door to the United States, is there any means by which we can blame America for the crisis?

Not yet but researchers are investigating various possibilities.

Can you think of any groups who rather conveniently don't touch pig products who seem well placed to do well out of Swine flu?

That's right, I've got many Jewish friends but this is all just too much of a coincidence.

Is it safe to let my children watch Babe?

Babe was filmed in Australia, which hasn't been touched by Swine flu yet, so it should be safe. Once the outbreak reaches Australia though you should burn your Babe DVD.

Is it true that human flesh tastes like pork, and if so could this be a short term replacement?

Yes, the longpig is a very good source of pork like products although cannibalism is banned in most of the UK (except Cornwall).


JuliaM said...

"That's right, I've got many Jewish friends but this is all just too much of a coincidence."


Incidentally, have you seen David Thompson's site on an Israeli minister's take on this issue?


Robert said...

We Americans are surely to blame for this growing "global pandemic". For let us recall:

1) The Wright Brothers.
2) Powered flight.
3) Intercontinental air travel.

President Obama will undoubtedly be apologizing any day now.

Ross said...

Israel has a funny attitude towards pigs, obviously Judaism (and Islam) prohibits pork but because the country has a large non religious element there is quite a demand for pig produce, particularly after the large influx of Russian jews after the Cold War.

Mark Wadsworth said...

The Yanks are to blame!

See here.

Anonymous said...

Pigs will fly before America's to blame for Avian Swine fever.

Mark said...

'Mexico is right next door to the United States, is there any means by which we can blame America for the crisis ?'

Factory farming by US agribusiness in Mexico is now being fingered as a possible culprit- see this link


North Northwester said...

Robert said...

"We Americans are surely to blame for this growing "global pandemic"

True - true.

The same Pentagon super-magnet that irresistibly draws airliners full of impoverished Saudi graduates into skyscrapers and also sucks unwilling Mexican catering service industry employees from their homes and into restaurants and private kitchens throughout the USA also repels new strains of influenza out of the paved and telephone-serviced part of America and squirts the southwards across the border to the bit with the dirt roads and the chickens and the drug lords and the rentacops who rent by the hour.

That's the way it works, right?