These are just some of the words my advisers tell me I should use in order to become more popular.
I am going to talk to you about who I am, and what I believe is right for this country. After all I've only been Prime Minister for a year and Chancellor for ten years before that, so clearly the reason everybody despises me is because they haven't seen enough of me.
Britain. Children. Fair.
I was brought up to believe in fairness by a family who had to balance a budget. When I was 21 I took over the budget planning from my parents and when I visit them each year in the Fife debtors prison I tell them that I share their values.
Determined. Britain. Fairness.
Some people have been asking why I haven't served my children up for spreads in the papers
And my answer is simple, they are hideously ugly. Honestly they look like the secret love children of David Mellor and Janet Street Porter. I am ashamed of them.
We now face an unprecedented crisis in the economy, for reasons which have absolutely nothing to do with the man who was Chancellor for a decade. Did I mention that David Cameron was Norman Lamont's advisor?
This is not a time for novices, we need a proven failure in charge!
In 1997 we promised an end to Boom & Bust and we are half way there already.
[ Pause to Pick Nose]
Britain is a society where a man who has struggled for 15 years to get a job won't be fired simply because he is unbelievably crap at his job. That is what fairness means to me. I promise to be less crap in future, please keep me on. Please I am begging you.
United we are a great movement led by hopes not fears, gathered person by person - one individual, one country, one leader! Hail Brown, Hail Brown, Hail Brown!!! Vote Labour for a fuhrer Britain.